Sometimes you have stuff to write, but not to write about. Its like this huge craving to read your own thoughts and yet not reveal anything going inside the head. To look around at stories happenning, and yet be selfish enough to hide from them. What if they wanted to be written and passed on ?
Someday, i will surrender.
Someday soon i will revive this page.
This bond with words and all of you who still keep in touch here.
Someday I will be back to your world.
To your blogs.
Sleepless nights have become a norm this week. Like a well gaurded secret , the night grows inside me till its ready to rip my thougts apart into million little dreams , some of which are already standing at the edge of nightmarish abyss.
It is not the thoughts that keep me awake but the fact that i have no thouht other than you. Call it my obsession or love for you , it matters not to me. You are the light I follow and search every moment am alone. Being even physically away from you any night makes me feel a part of me has been taken away from me. How does one sleep with one eye open or with one lung refusing to breathe ?
What has coffee to do with this you ask, knowing am more of a chai lover. Well, truth is chai reminds me of you , the way you like to have a different one each night and how much I love the weekly bed tea you get for me. So the craving for coffee to push your thoughts away from my head while I struggle with completing some work.
Sleepless nights have become a norm this week as much as keeping the night bulb on in the room. Trying to trash the shadows lurking around me, I await the dawn to hear your morning wishes.
What have you done to me , I wonder in vain. I know its not you or me but just that fact that its just you and me , me and you , you for me and me for you forever and ever.
Come home soon.
I miss my sleep now.
And one day I realize,
Its love that binds
Me to you, your world
Your silences, your words;
But never it was
The other way round,
I will be there,But expect
not you to be found …
Last month, me and pati ( husband ) had an argument about his lack of time and attention for me ( i admit i might have exaggerated the scene a bit ) which ended up making both of us a bit irritated.
Next morning, during breakfast he asks me if i really wanted to have a kid. I told him no way was i prepared for the reaponsibility. He just accepted it with a nod, while i kept wondering why he even asked about it.
It was last week when i remembered the reason. While i was being upset with him, i had said, “perhaps we should have a kid. That way i will be busy with the child and you wouldn’t have to worry about me being alone or bored”
And i could not be more wrong. Is this how the relatives or other people think when they keep asking you to have kids ? Just to have some one bind the guy to home ? Or two people to each other ? Or even if for taking the family lineage ahead ? Is it not unfair on the partner who isn’t ready or more so to the child when you are not financially or mentally prepared for bringing up a child.
I never would have thought about this again till today morning when i read an article on reasons for which one should not have kids. And i realize, even the thought of having a child for any reason other than two mature adults wanting to nurture a life is so damn wrong.
Having a child is a personal decision but it never should be a selfish one.
The damage was done,
No matter how I thought,
The words had left my side,
And correctly hit the wrong spot.
It wasn’t a lie that i had told,
But who knows the truth well,
Did i act on personal bias,
Who would be able to ever tell ?
Maybe no one would remember it
Or reject it as random theory,
But i would never be vocal again
Untill i believe the facts,not a story.
I was asked my opinion about a colleague today and i said what i had jeard or felt about him. I personally think he did not acted immaturely many times and had wrong impression on other team members too but still I feel i should hve restricted my thoughts a bit. I can not undo this but sure it was a valuable experience. I suddenly recall a quote thay goes something like this ~
Before you speak , check what you going to say is true , necessary and kind.
What i said today wasnt exactly kind.
I skipped writing yesterday , So please bear with two poems in this post [ both off the prompt perhaps ]
of the silent lips
he fills my soul
on my skin,
trails of sin,
his eyes shine
oh love,I lust for
the way you smile…
Today’s prompt is silence. I have rarely liked being silent or silent people. there was a time when after a while , silence would make me uncomfortable. It changed when I had to move to a new city and was alone most weekends. Here is a thought on those days –
Lonliness – a mistress I keep
for company in nights
when all world sleeps
but not my thoughts;
silence – the child i never sought
until one night the knocks
on my heart’s door
took away my sleep;
there was much to learn
and so much more to know
about my love , my fears,
my denial and the pain,
my acceptance , be it late.
There was much to let go of,
the world was no more known
silence and loneliness took over
and I was never the same again.
This is for OctPoWriMo # 13 , 14