It started with one of my favorite twitter person starting his newsletter – #SoG ( a daily one ! ) A few months later I subscribed to newsletter of another inspiring lady from twitter and it kind of made me love this mode of communication. It is as private as much it is public , almost like a blog but this one I read in my emails and can respond immediately and directly to the writer. So a few more newsletter subscriptions later , I wanted to try my own. And that’s how “Letters By Prats” started two weeks back.
Yesterday when I was searching for a poem to share , I came across Reena’s exploration challenge and it took me to a time when I had fallen into a pattern of being down and out.
Every silver cloud , was sabotaged by my own attitude and insecurities. The worst part of all this was that I completely botched one of my best friendships during that phase and it’s never been same since. It drained the best of people around me in personal space , to make me stop being so bitter and full of resentments, but it was to no avail. and even today , months and miles away from that feeling , I am never too sure when I might slip into the old habit..
Bigger egos , smaller eyes,
heart so cold , hands clutched tight,
away from sanity , the words go,
accustomed to darkness,
the weak ones will grow..
And that inspired my second poem I shared hoping it finds resonance and helps someone battle the darkness just one more day ! While I can not turn back time and teach myself those lessons earlier , I do hope to never have to live through a moment when I lose faith on myself. It hasn’t been easy , but it has been indeed a huge learning and turning point that I hope I can share better with others and spread positive vibes , in all ways possible. This realization is what I decided to link to Trent’s call for weekly smiles because I have pledged to treat all that life throws at me with first a smile and then probably try not to run away all times 😛
Also linked to #MondayMusings where you can find some interesting thoughts.
PS: If you subscribe to any good newsletter, please share the link.
Today’s thankfulThursday prompt was to be thankful for health. My first reaction was to laugh it off. Thankful for health ? Was it a joke for an obese person like me , who also does almost negligible workout and can binge eat at any stress trigger.
But wait , isnt the real purpose of this prompt is to ignore the negatives and for a moment thank God/life/yourself for whatever blessing you have ? Phew ! So let’s see,
- I walk , talk , eat ,breathe , smile and sleep well.
- I have no fatal disease right now.
- I have some hormonal imbalances related to my weight but those can be fixed with diet and exercise.
- I am quite flexible with yoga poses and I enjoy them thrice a week.
- I have a good stamina to walk long distances, even if slow.
- I have good skin and hair so far. And with my current focus on natural products , I feel they are feeling a lot better.
And as Becca asks us to check what needa our focus ? Slow change or no easy result can lead to obsession on problems alone , but it should not be my excuse for not trying for a solution. I have not given up on myself yet , coz if not I , who will push me to be a better , healthier version of myself ?
Togetherness is not always about staying together or being able to meet as and when you wish. If love is true, these things do not matter ; people said. But some days you can not decide if it is just a phase or that’s how your relation is going to be. A relationship is like a house which has to be turned into home just like two people can make any place on housing.com into a heaven by love and care.
It was only 6 months that me and Yogesh formally started dating each other and yet we were not sure. I do not know what questions I had or what ideas he had about me, about us, all I remember now is that we needed a long long time to sit and talk about a lot of things. But not just talk, we needed the right environment too. Then one day we decided to take a break and on impulse we booked tickets to lucknow. We both were not willing to spend a night together so it was decided that we would go early morning and return same night to Delhi.
It was a crazy plan for the moment he suggested it and I booked the tickets. On the day we had to travel , I was so looking forward to the trip. The morning journey was in a Chair Car seat where we were served breakfast and chai. Settled comfortably, we talked of our time together so far and what we thought was good and missing between us.
When we reached, we first asked the auto driver to drop at the best place nearby for a huge lunch. Happy with the well fed tummy, we considered whst next to do and after not too much deliberations, we went for the latest Bond movie. A coffee and lot of street food hopping later, we decided to go shopping for something in chicken work as memory of the trip. While we were at the shop, there was a very pretty saree that i wished to buy but it was little expensive. Yogesh noticed my interest and the hesitation and whispered that one day he will bring me back to lucknow to buy the same saree.
It was probably the kind of gesture i was waiting for. Or maybe it was all that we talked and laughed about in the day that cemented my faith in this relation. After dinner when we settled in the train back to home, we had started creating a dream in our hearts to one day be home to each other.
We did not do anything different from what we would have done in delhi but just the change of place and being together meant so much for us that day. It was a new light to our paths that had intersected and were now joined for a life time.
I told my parents about him soon after that.
That trip still is my most precious memory together. And writing this post , I realized that this year I might buy that saree too. From lucknow of course 🙂
I was there,
that dark harrowing place
of self doubt and neglect
of negativity and hurt
of being stubborn beyond reason
of acting beyond comprehension;
I was there,
feeling trapped and alone
from bars of my own creation
from feelings that defied traditions
from ideas devoid of action
from words that shamed all reactions.
I was there
supposedly for a long time
ignoring of my lover’s songs
ignoring the best friend’s hopes
ignoring the stranger’s smiles
ignoring my own heart’s cries.
I was there.
no more, not again
that is not a promise I can make
that is not the road I always take
that is a battle I fight each day
that is a war I will win one day.
About 6 months back I made this page private after I started getting anonymous abusive comments and emails from some one. I am not sure if that phase is past me or not , But I know that I have friends and a partner who would stand by me and not let me quit blogging and writing any day. Thank you every one who wrote to me and prayed for me.
I am 5 months late , but I still want to share my wedding pic with you all. Here’s me and Yogesh on our happiest day !
I will be reading and visiting your blogs soon. Stay blessed.
Some thing very hurtful was said to me yesterday. And it reminded me how tribal people used to make a tree fall by gathering around it and swearing at it daily. The tree would eventually die and fall on its own.
i realize that the negatives thrown at me are meant to kill my spirit and make me fall
but if i can counter them with the love of people who know me and by loving all the same way or more , i can rise above all this.
So Here’s a hope , a prayer , a wish and a request – Live and let live. Life is beautiful when you let go of your hurt . Hurting some one will not bring back your joy. I might fade into oblivion but I know i have touched many hearts while I was here. and I will keep loving all the same way.