This change of country has not been easy for me but something that I had completely not prepared myself was having some challenging people around. Anyway, this post is about the little things I feel good about right now , coz I need that reminder –
1. This is my 21st post on the blog in the very first month. ( I have promised to write 300 posts in 2019 )
2. I will be finally moving out of the hotel this weekend and into a studio apartment so that means I will be eating hot self cooked meals again.
I finally get to fill a house the way I want and make it a home for me and my husband. This was sort of a subconscious dream of mine from years ago when we were dating. ( More of that conversation some other time )
3. This uncomfortable phase of worries and panic attacks and nights of tossing in the bed has been instrumental in finding my strength again . It taught me that if you keep sight of your long term goals, the daily issues can be handled one by one.
This was much needed lesson that had to be revised well in order to be implemented.
And work ? I know I am capable and I know to keep my head down and put in my 150 percent effort. I should be okay. Right ?
Stay blessed you all.
The last week has been a real mixed bag of emotions. As much as I am thankful and excited and almost happy about this wonderful opportunity to be in Canada for work purpose , it is still more overwhelming being alone , being cold and over that searching for a home to stay in such a short notice.
It feels like a repetition to be sharing same fears and worries with my husband and my mother back in India ; to be eating really tasteless soulless food ( I am too spoilt with home made food since I got married five years back ) ; and looking at the world through my hotel window for about 5 hours a day , waiting for my friends and family to get up so I can talk to them ( and vice versa )
And I know this too shall pass.
I know as soon as I find a place to rent , I would start making it my space , and that would tie me to this country better.
I know I won’t be alone once my husband joins me ( I hope soon ) and yes , thats what is really eating me – being away from him.
Last night’s email from Saurabh talked about the movie Inside Out and about controlling our emotions. That plus the lesson that two of my dear friends have been drilling into me about being positive and inviting positive affirmations into my life and not repel my blessings ; made me feel a little guilty about how low I been feeling and reacting. A house I was supposed to check out tomorrow got leased today afternoon and when I expressed my disappointment , the owner lady was so nice to say that perhaps I deserved a better place. Like who really says so about their own property ! That totally moved me. Such people are a rare breed and I would feel so glad to have her as my landlady any day.
So , this post is about forgiving myself for losing sight of the reason I decided to come to this place alone. This post is more about gathering my hopes up and looking forward to being at a place that’s been marked for me.
*Fingers crossed* I will find it soon.
Written for #ForgivingFridays and #FridayReflections
The damage was done,
No matter how I thought,
The words had left my side,
And correctly hit the wrong spot.
It wasn’t a lie that i had told,
But who knows the truth well,
Did i act on personal bias,
Who would be able to ever tell ?
Maybe no one would remember it
Or reject it as random theory,
But i would never be vocal again
Untill i believe the facts,not a story.
I was asked my opinion about a colleague today and i said what i had jeard or felt about him. I personally think he did not acted immaturely many times and had wrong impression on other team members too but still I feel i should hve restricted my thoughts a bit. I can not undo this but sure it was a valuable experience. I suddenly recall a quote thay goes something like this ~
Before you speak , check what you going to say is true , necessary and kind.
What i said today wasnt exactly kind.
News make no sense today
some stocks crashed,
some one bought 176 crore
worth houses some place;
I read of new diseases
on rise ’cause of smartphone;
it seems people check it
150 times a day –
I guess I checked it
a little more than usual,
anxious and nervous too,
hopeful yet feeling guilty too,
no news of the friend
I wanted to hear from,
no words to shed light
where else can I now go ?
News make no sense today
happiness has decided to be away.
Today’s post is a real surprise. My mood did not permit me to even attempt writing but when I could not hold my emotions , I knew I had to write.
Hope this makes sense to you or some one ..
Shared with the wonderful people linking to OctPoWriMo
This is the lights that i love to see when i leave office.
Today I had a fight with dad. Ok, I might have been at fault since I did not explain my stand clearly to him, but that is not the point here. He yelled a bit, and when I acted like a brat, he simply disconnected the call. He had sense not to let me make a bigger fool of myself. Something I will never forget for long. I felt so ashamed. He had never refused to hear me, be it any time or about any thing. And I could not do that for just a min. Why could I not keep shut that moment ?
And worse, As always, I innediately launched into a self-pity mood. I started feeling that nothing is going right today or this week infact. how I could be doing better, or why I deserve a better life. Not realizing, I do have a better life today than yesterday or last month or last year. Each day is better in some way, even if it is only for the fact that you realize you have a chance to make good of your life.
Thanks to a dear friend to kick me out of this mood with her harsh words. I totally deserved that.
Dad, I know we both are part wrong, part right. But I swear, I will not lose my patience so soon ever again.Not with you, not with any one who I know has onyl my good in mind.
To Myself, I promise to use my energies not to suck but to get up and get moving. As my friend said, use every negative emotion to make you work for removing that obstacle.
Even with brush of sadness,
A pretty picture you can create
if you remember colors reflect
what you in your heart wish to paint.