you drive me insane; actually you have managed to do this years back. now.. well now you just paint it a shade darker and damp.. dark enough to hit me hard and damp with the pain, i carry for days. it creeps me like some worm infested fruit that am forced to eat. no wonder it leaves a bad puking taste in the mouth. even the friendly consolations that its all in my head and not real, does not change the fact that it makes me inhuman. always like that to others trying to be close to me. will it drive you away is not a fear i live with , but a nightmare i wake up from each night…
Smiling faces with prying eyes,
humor laced words flow back and forth.
The guy appears shy –
the centre of attraction though,
His parents narrating the worth –
education, wealth,family and future,
Her parents look pleased
and curious enough to ask bit more –
Its the girl’s turn now
to be talked of in similar details
education, skills,hobbies and plans –
two kings describing their treasure trails.
All eyes now set in anticipation,
immediately the girl is gestured to come
with a smile pasted on the nervous face
she enters bearing the burden of family name.
The guy gives a hurried look,
one towards the girl,another to his folks
and the decision is sealed,
they did not like what they came to see.
she knows it well –
knew it before she stepped in front
she does not have a pretty face
nor the body blessed with grace.
It matters not,how well she read
or the fact she earned family’s bread –
It was a shame she didn’t look good
all other qualifications were put to end.
Submitted to Z to A challenge – Q
Who am I really ?
When will i achieve my destiny ?
Where will i find the love meant for me ?
Why do things not happen the way I want ?
Whom did i hurt when i lived without care ?
And the list of questions starting like this goes on endless. But how often do we wonder on “How” ? And more specifically the hows of future ?
From today i pledge to replace every “W” question with a “how” one.
How to define myself ?
How to achieve what I want ?
How do I keep my heart open for love and not otherwise ?
How can I make things work for me ?
How should I apologize for the wrong i did ?
And suddenly I see all answers lie within me. All it needs is to be
– Be true to one self
– Remain honest to others
– Know your weakness
– Use your strength
– Love yourself
– Hate the fact that you “hate something”
bla blah blah !!! Haven’t we all read such words before ?? How long do we remember then even !! Not unless we need that kick again to rise and shine. I wrote this post as a reminder to my pledge , a cement to my ideas on being productive even in thoughts !
I repeat my promise
that I made to myself
the same person i meet
from other side of mirror –
empty eyes search me
a lonely smile taunts me
and i promise (again)
i will keep you happy
oh yes, i will make sure
you do not shy from any one.
So the last but not the least thought for tonight, Don’t just read or write about what you want and how to have it, ACT !! Make your dreams come true. And if they don’t, have the assurance you tried your best at least.
Written for Z to A challenge.
Also submitted to –
We all have fears and ways to hide it. Its easy to hide it from rest of the world, but when some one reads into your heart as if an open book, its a difficult scenario.
Am afraid of being loved – Like me as much you want ; for my words , for my attitude ; for my knowledge ; for the fun i can introduce ; for this and that ; like me for any reason you have. But being loved ? I stopped dreaming of that since ages. The very feeling i once had gone seeking , i fear it now. I was not hurt in love, but broken into bits by the way love treated me. Love was not to be mine – not the one i would have wanted at least. So i parted ways with those ideas and dreams forever.
Today i can not think of a romantic idea. Not even of some thing sweet to write for the one who might be made for me ! All i write of love sounds so hollow to myself that i wonder why people appreciate it. There sure are few couples i know who make me believe in love and its power, but I myself have come to the point where i know my ideas of being away from this feeling are ridiculous but i can not give up on them still.
And yesterday when some one asked me, what if some one falls in love with you, I am afraid he is gonna ask for trouble. Its taken me months to be the tough nut i am today, am not ready to crack up so easily. Do i wanna scare guys away from em like this ? No, i love them as friends and colleagues. Nothing more as of now please.
Duh ! I no longer make sense writing this. So i better stop right here !
Life, i am happy with the way i am today, this week and this month !
Let me be.
Written for –
s t e a l s
t o u c h e s
r e m e m b e r s
I N S P I R E
This poetry form is The Brevette (click to learn more)
(This is something i never let out of my heart to any one. This goes to a very special Angel like friend in my life.)
I just knew death makes people sad for the loss of loved ones. But how sad, i never knew or even wanted to. But not all happens to out liking. Neither was your death. How long had we known each other ? A month maybe or even less. you had the cute dolphin pic as your avatar when we first met on the networking site ! you wrote lovely poetry and I adored each of them. that was the link between us. Reader first, then friend and later critic too. And then you did not appear one day. Whole day I waited, but no sign of you, no new poetry (you remember you wrote 5-6 poems a day).
Later that day, I heard some news of a student committing suicide out of peer pressure.I was upset, felt bad for him and the family. Thought he did not have friends. Next day too I did not see you online so decided to drop a hello on your profile. Your page was full of people asking about you. Asking if you were really dead !! And then it dawned on me – the suicide, the news ! You had lots of friends, you were adored and loved by so many. Then why did you ?? I would never get those answers, yet i asked them there on your page ! Some random people commented how funny it was to leave a note for some one who is already dead ! But i knew you will know. you will read each one of them. You never left any message un-replied. I wanted to cry that night (maybe i did cry in my dreams).I turned away from any dolphin pics for a long time after you were gone. I never read any poetry for a week except the dedications for you. And I realized how hard death can be. It was dreadful. Losing you was terrible. The reason was terrible. The effects were lasting.I closed my account last year. But i wish i could visit your page. Maybe you would expect me there. Maybe you have finally gone to reside in heavens. wherever you be, Know that I miss you. More than anyone i loved in such short duration. Maybe my poetry roots go back to reading yours. You live for me still. You always will.
May your soul be in peace
and your memories flourish
Hope death was kind to you
as you fulfilled your death wish…
Always in your fond memory,
Your Miss Smiles.
Submitted to One Shot Wednesday
I see a sweet little girl, trying to balance her tiny feet on the sidewalk ; one feet ahead of the next ; holding her fancy dress in her pink fingers. But not for a second do i confuse her with me. I am not her , She is not me. She should not be. Not ’cause i wasn’t this happy and playful when young but ’cause i am not like her today – 20 years later.
I laugh at myself still though knowing well it’s for world’s sake. I curse myself for my mistakes and yet make them again. I live in the pain of lost love and treat it like ecstasy. My words are fueled from the darkness that lurks in my life. The days are brighter than they should be – don’t you know that light turns others blind too ? the nights darker than they could be – i even hide my shadows from myself.
I don’t ever hurt others – its considered a sin ! I betray none, bother none. No one is allowed to love me any more though i seek love from many. I hate just my loneliness as much i enjoy my solitude. I am contradiction that agrees most with my doubts. I am tears in motion, fears that feasts my soul.
I am all this more – And i wonder how i became so ! where is that shy girl gone ! One who loved just herself and laughed on just her own reflection.
And yet you do not need to worry – I stand tall and proud ! Isn’t what the world thinks i am !!
I act what you want to see; I do what you will never like to !
This post was started as prompted at Thursday Tales but the real inspiration came from “Imperfect Prose”. i rarely let my ideas go this way. and am not really sure if i did it well.