Tag Archives: my life

A to Z challenge : Monsters in my Life

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We all have our own version / definition of monsters at different age. Its like giving a different face to our fears as we grow up. So I thought of few faces I can associate to this feeling ( based on my age )

4 : I don’t recall why I had this image fixed in my head that the top floor of my grandmother’s home had a sand man living there. Who always wanted to eat me. My mom says it was one of my nightmare that I told her about and frankly that particular spot gave me creeps till I left the house

10 : There was a robbery in my area and for a month. That time I used to be so scared of any one  who roamed the streets in dark. The watchman’s “jaagte raho” really kept me awake :D

15 : One day I saw a 18 year old guy touch a 10 year old girl in an inappropriate way. I can not forget the look of confusion and fear on the girl’s face. Even though I was standing far away, I felt disgusted and afraid at same time. That was the first time I came to recognize why my mother always told me to be safe. That guy was the first real monster I came across.

25 : I was a victim of online stalking and defamation. I had never felt so insecure and vulnerable. I saw strangers asking me not to visit their blogs ’cause some one would follow my steps and say mean things about me on their page. I quit blogging and closed all my accounts for an year. That email id ( the only identity of my stalker) was my nightmare and monster equivalent for  along long time [ I still live in those fears I admit ]

On and off I have come across stories that would make me sad , scared and depressed at state and moods of people. Few of them so much deserve to be branded monsters. I pray for people who have to bear and deal with such creatures !

Inspired by the theme at

He claims love

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When love knocks your door, oh wait , love is not that polite. It has a nasty habit of poking you , nudging you , teasing you and winking shamelessly at you when you are with that special someone or thinking about him later on. The whole world might await or ask about it in whispers and you will walk away, lying about it – to yourself and to others.

Then one day , lying on the grass , watching the sunlight play blinking games with you, you feel the butterflies in your stomach as he leans over you and kisses you, the very kiss you dreamed about from weeks just happens without a warning or planning. While you were waiting for grand signs, love came and made home in your heart and his in subtle ways on just another day.

That night , you write in your diary, with most sheepish grin and stars in your eyes. you declare in capital letters to yourself, “I AM IN LOVE”.

And life goes on. In love. With your love. For his love.
The moments melt , like yin and yang , like smiling tears or tearful smiles , like a make up kiss or the useless fight.
You are not you. He is not him.
“We” live to love.

Early not,nor late
the world will hear the music
his love claims me

Ten P’s of my Life

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I am voluntarily taking up this tag from Pinksocks blog

Idea is to  do the similar list with the first alphabet of your name.

why P ?

’cause my real name starts with P  :D

 

1. Pari (fairy) : one of my old nickname which I admit I kinda liked ! alas, only 2 people call me by this name and I haven’t talked to both of them in ages !

2. Poetry : something that is my identity most times. I live , love , eat and breathe poetry. I write the same ;)

3. Paranormal : One of my fav genre to watch on TV these days and even to read ( you can throw it under fantasy fiction too ) but yeah , most loved TV series – Fringe , supernatural , Warehouse 13 , the Mentalist etc etc will fall in this category.

4. Project : A recent addition to my terminology outside work. Basically , I have taken up a few deliberate goals for the year – Project 52 to blog , Project Know delhi , Project 50 new dishes in 2013 , reading challenges. Ok, I think I have taken too many projects :P

5. Photography : something I always avoided being a part of. I mean being in front of camera. now I am total opposite. I also need to learn a bit of photography so i can use my camera well even when alone.

6. Postponing : I am the master of doing that with my chores. Except reading a novel or cooking , I postpone anything and everything by atleast 10-15 min out of laziness and for days even if its a personal task.

7. Pasta : Food that i love most. I might not have it often when I go out, but given an option , I will chose it over any other dish.

8. Purple : color I love most. all and any shades. That reminds me , I have to buy a purple bag this summer.

9. Possessive : I am. totally. My guy knows it but ignores most times  ( he knows he doesn’t give me any reason as such) , but trust me to act possessive at times just for fun. Basically, I don’t like some one taking my place. anywhere. anytime.

10. Past : something I can not forget or leave behind. Its a shadow I walk with even in the night. My past defines me. and I am not willing to let it free as yet.

2012 , I love you

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tangent to flames,
ice creeks,stars strewn over time,
new dreams taking shape

( for Haiku heights and The Sunday Whirl )

After much brooding , what NOT to post about 2012, I decided, some things and people do deserve the mention on this blog. Maybe , just this one time or maybe their names frequent my journals hereafter, but today , this moment, they are special to me and so much dear to my smiles. so in no particular order , I deliver my “farewell 2012″ speech.

( you can skip to the end now ’cause the post otherwise might go loong )

some farewells are bitter-sweet.
some moments you want to hold, some want to let go.

2012. I want to hold on to you. totally.

I found the one love I had always waited for.
I found another dear friend and “sister”ly love right in my room.
I fought and fought some more and then cried with and for my best friend and yet we bear each other another year.
Reconnected with my soul sister once again and in much mature ways.
My cooking was made fun of , I was kind of ashamed to re learn , but I learned and treated my family to some awesome meals.
I wrote , and wrote a little more than last year and finally got an e-book published.
I lost ( I assume I did) a little weight and want to lose lot more in 2013 so I can wear that summer dress I always wanted.
I got promoted , got a (very little) salary hike and I did some impressive shopping this year – A new laptop and new TV for home.
Had some memorable trips – Jaipur , Vaishnodevi , Lucknow ( 2 times ) , rishikesh, Mathura-Vrindavan and few to grandmother’s place.
Attended a Muslim wedding ( 2 actually) – wedding of 2 best friends :D , met gulzar Saab , did rafting .
Met some awesome people from twitter and blogs.
Had some great conversations – both in person and on call.
Some awesome conference calls and reunions with friends.

A little doubt here , a little argument there. A little insecurity at times , a little let down some nights , some people were missed , a few got lost in lists.

And yet , 2012 was a splendid time after so long.

Thank you god !
bless me and these smiling reasons always :)

Blessed by words – post#600

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When winds refused
to raise the wings,
i grew for years
to help me stay above;
I cut them one by one
dripping blood and tears
and into a shell i went
away from all dear ones.
But words are stronger
then i ever imagined
a golden ray of hope,
I caught for escape.
only words did keep
the promise to stick,
people came closer
and some were let go,
but always did god grant
a special one to hold.
To all those special
and dear ones I raise
a wassil for lifetime
whether i stay around
or decide to move on.
today you people matter
and i wish to keep it so
till we forget our blessing,
and have our dreams lost.

 

This post#600 is dedicated to every one I met in my journey of writing on this page. Thank you every one. Bless you !

A special mention to the love i got from few people in my life that has kept me loyal to my first love – the love for words.
–
Prompted @ The Mag , OSI

Loving & Loved

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There are some days when you feel loved. And some when you love. It is not being in love. but just having some one to love still. From the first crush till today , I can almost name some person with whom I “thought” I was in love. Maybe I really was. But those days are past. Those reasons and emotions are past. Today I love people for making me feel good. It’s not about praising me always but more like, appreciating the good I have and forgiving me for the bad. For making me change myself and not just dictating the rules like rest of the world. Gender or age does not bother me these days. I just love the person for the heart and mind that walk with him/her.And to think of the fact that I found feelings like these to be weird at one time. Call it maturity or jsut craziness, making some one smile and smile with him/her can sure make your day a blessing !

Only if I could put words to such feelings in a way not to offend/scare the people concerned ;)
But maybe these unexpressed thoughts are what add to the enigma of loving and being loved.

Rise in Love. And stay in love. Accept being loved.

(This post was inspired by a twitter conversation with @ScribblingOn )

 
JourneyTowardsEpiphany

A thank you note !

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Each morning when I wake up, I do not thank God for the wonderful day he blessed me with. I instead check upon my emails , text messages and tweets. As I go about my day, I think of God once in a while – to crib , complain or an occasional thank you for setting something unexpectedly right for me. But do I thank him without a cause ? Oh, I remember I do. when I sit back and contemplate what is wrong with my life. And as I sis to find ways to fix them, I say to God, Oh dude, you gotta help me with this. Please !

I have a lot of questions to ask, and a lot of answers to share with him. I totally believe in “everything happens for good”. I have lived this epiphany a lot of times in the last 10 years. And yet, when I need to cry , I must and I do. No reasons or excuses given to any. When I am upset , I just am. No reasons or excuse small or big enough to justify my sour mood.

I am not perfect – oh I am far from it. But I try.I try hard. And all that I wish is God to see through those tries and trials and keep me safe and blessed.

Oh God,

I hope you will forgive me not praying daily.

I hope you know I love and respect your words a lot but I fail to follow them always. I hope you keep loving me the same as today. And last, I hope you keep all these hopes alive in me, as long as I live.

Bless me !

Bless all !

–

 
JourneyTowardsEpiphany

A “fine” moment ?

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“I am fine”

i convinced all but me;

’cause deep within i knew

leaving was last thing i ever wished -

the friends ,the inspiration , the love,

the tease ,the warm hugs and celebrations ;

where else would some one await

to hear me scold and yell at them,

or poke me when i fell silent,

where else would i find parcel of joys

being delivered all day and night ?

“I will be fine”

i told the few concerned eyes

and turned away,

so tears i could hide

that i knew would never run dry

even if new smiles would adorn the eyes,

my first home will be special always

and the call to return will never let

the soul heal,from the cuts of time ..

Written for Month of the year challenge # 2 (November)

It was november’09 when I had to leave a dear set of people and not move on but move back in life. Even though I am still in touch with few of those people, I  miss the collective fun we had for about a year ! God bless those gems wherever they are.

(inspired from this poem i read)

photo source

thank you 2011 and everything else too

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The last week of 2011 and I do not want to miss on thanking few people and places and God for everything else.

Thanks to my parents and siblings to survive my craziness one more year and not declare me insane yet ( doesn’t matter that they think so)

Thanks to old friends who still love me like they did last year or the year before. Thank you for never forgetting me in your special times and also being a part of my life.

thanks to some people I met last year , who turned out to be such great friends ! thank you for taking time to know me and shape my year.

A special thanks to some new friends i added to my life this year. You are already too special :)

A special mention of the new experiences in music , poetry , movies and reading that God blessed me with. The book blog , the music emails filling my inbox, the comments at my posts, this blog , the many wonderful blogs i read, the movies I watched and adored , the photographs , the projects I see people undertake around me, every thing and anything creative .. It adds such smiles to my day !

A smile over some really wonderful conversations ,chats,  phone calls, meetings and arguments too !

2011 you have been a great time ! Please rub off some of your charm on 2012 when you shake hands with it at midnight on dec 31st !

Love you !

Love you God ! You always made me feel blessed at end of each year and phase…

Music and Me

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There are few things that become personal, some stay so, and some are kept this way. My love has never been one of them sadly, even if the target off all that love always been a secret even to me. then I came across poetry. From being a friend, secret keeper , companion of lonely nights, lover and now my God ! And who can keep Gods a secret ? they should never be made personal I feel, so I share it with all.

The same is the case with music. I like sharing lyrics I like, the music I get attached to, the beats that make me sway, and lot more with people around me. But music is still very personal to me. I prefer not to hear my choice of songs when people are around me, unless I use a headphone. I connect to music in a way I can not explain. Most of the songs I hear are inked on my heart with memories stamped on them. When the music flow, my ideas hold their hands and dance along, my smiles and tears find home with the songs I love. And so I hesitate sharing them with others. I do not want people interrupting this heavenly kiss, or to ridicule my choice of music,even if it is atrocious for them.

The songs are my lovers outside my wedding to life. And It will take ages before I find a place for another person between me and music.

 

Radio

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Exams were just a week away and she could not study long hours without feeling sleepy. One night she turned on the radio after hearing her favorite song play in the neighbourhood. She kept the radio on for hours as she studied and not once she wanted to quit.

 Since then, the love affair continues.

 

 

This is for G-Man’s Fridayflash 55.

Have a musical and lovely weekend all of you  :)

Also linked to Months of the year challenge Season # 2

Sacred joys

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Together one evening
with friends and family,
Sapid with joys and celebrations,
the air full of sacred blessings,
the pious flames dancing,
heart , head and soul
ready for the new life’s calling,
her shy smiles fail to hide
the beat of her love filled heart,
your caring hold on her hands
as you make promises to be there
in times to come, good or bad.

 
Jan 2012. The darkness of winters will be challenged by the warm smiles and lights in that corner of my town. My best friend will hold the hands of his love and lead the way into a new life. This time, I would be there, along with other friends – a bunch of people knowing each other from school , waving in and out of each other’s life and yet never far from heart and mind.

Yay ! Next month is my best friend’s wedding. And after missing almost every one’s wedding for one reason or another, I will be attending this one. Am so excited to meet all friends and some of their partners too ! And to dress up and go have a dance on the floor !

:D

January , you look promising my love.

 

 

—

Written for Months of the year challenge#2  , Carry on tuesday , Sunday Scribblings , OSI

I love Words -

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Starting in July 1st week, Blaga started the Season’s favorite challenge. Something which i so badly wanted to do but the lack of enough ideas discouraged me. Lets just say, I was not in the correct frame. At the end of this challenge, the participants wrote a post on All time favorite. I wrote this poem, dedicated to this lovely lady ! and her awesomely amazing blog :

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a stolen glance – across the summer fields,
a shy kiss – in the darkest bend of road
out together on a long summer drive;
a warm hug – in the coldest hours
as snow wraps your place,you wrap love;


as rains hit the window pane – hot tea
with spicy snacks fried by mother;

the retorts ,the scoldings, fights in a day;
the barren look like the autumn tree -
as yellow carpets cover the dull roads;


or the time when you think of the flowers -
that covered the trees,lined the roads,
and added romance to your evenings at times;


whether alone, with lover or family of friends,
wether silent, talking or singing to self,
in whatever way, you chose to express,


words link you to the moment and feelings,
to people known and from far off lands -
they hold the world and rule it so,
they love you as much, as you hold them close !

–

Musical Memory#3 : Joy

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joys of making bonds
with one who had none before
his smile said it all

..

Prompted @ Sensational Haiku Wednesday

–

This haiku was also inspired by the memory of my school days. The conductor of the school bus for my route did not have a family. On rakshabandhan he was all the more upset to see rakhis on almost all guys’ wrist. To cheer him up, i offered to tie him a rakhi which he readily accepted.  He heard the same set of songs daily with the first song being this -

I heard this so much that i could sing the whole song any time !!

God bless him wherever he is !

Not a lot about Love

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Well the first song my Ipod made me listen to was “mohabbat ki jhoothi kahani par roye” [ Translation : Cried over the lying tales of love ] .. And though the lyrics are pretty clear with no hidden reference to anything, the lines made me think about the concept of love. A friend last week had argued that unless we love ourself, we can not love any one. And i guess he makes sense now. If I can not love myself, how can I expect some one else to do that same ? My flaws are mine but they are no more than the good I posess. I am lot better that I judge myself [ also lot worse than I think ]. But that’s what and who I am. and always be.

Love does not lie. Love indeed gives you all happiness you seek. And it can give you loads of pain too if you try to decide the source of love and ignore the rest. Friends , family , readers of my blog , people I talk to online and offline , my team mates , any one who makes my day any better becomes my source of Love. And I become the source when I acknowledge the same. And I just love them all a lot. Some of them , I love too much I guess. And it makes me happy just to know such wonderful people.

So If i still want to cry foul that life did not give me a taste of love, well, I am going to make a fool of myself. I am finally prepared to wait for the one person who will come and understand my bonds to others and glue them with his trust and cares. I need no one who wants me to cut away from my network of people just to have a bubble of forced safety. Not again.

My heart is not empty any more to let any one make home there. It neither is full enough not to let worthy people stay in some corners.

I am now running out of both ideas and time , So I stop typing now.
Whatever this might mean to you,
Bless you !
Loved be !

Last night

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The enforced silence was overwhelming.Words died with every image that nerve cells picked to transmit. Character by character the sentences jump off the brim of my patience. My skin burnt as i replayed the conversation in my mind.Till my eyes could take no more. Tears fell freely in my open palms. As much i tried to hold them, they slipped out f my hands and were soon lost,leaving the salt taste on my lips and the wetness on fingers. I sat so for a long time till the cool skin went numb from my own sense of rejection.Or was it just cruel ?  The night passed me. I failed the purpose of  night.

I really wished i could cry and tell all these to you ! But would you still care ?

Dedicated to some friends lost in time.

Image source

Make it Big

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“Make it big”
how many times
had she said this
for her life;
and more times
she heard others
talk the same
about her art;
But can she ever ?
People loved her
and so her work
or maybe vice versa
but did any one know
who she was,
seperate from
her work of art;
Did any one realize
what made her excel
in art but not life;
what dreams she broke
to paint her words,
what words she lost
to create false dreams;
with head in clouds
and feet on thorns,
burdens of reality
tied with flowers
of a different future;
she could make it
she would have maybe
if only she was not aware
of the price it cost
to lose yourself
in making true art
and the debts one bear
to alienate from
the glittering fame.

~

Submitted to Poets Rally