Category Archives: random thought

Finding home.

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This is a different world. This is a different life. I like it but I can’t get used to it. Meaning of home has changed. And how.

This is a facebook status I put this weekend. This weekend was the same that I spent with my parents. After almost 2 – 3 months I spent more than 1 night at home. And even though I loved being there – being lazy , being silent , cooking for mom and dad , meeting best friend in town , sleeping , reading and watching one movie each day of the weekend [ yes , it was this awesomely perfect] ; a part of me felt uneasy.

It was like I was a guest in that home. I knew the people living there , but not the space they occupied. It was like I once was in the frame but now have slipped out of it and looking at the empty picture with unease.

When did I begin to feel restless at my own home ? Was it always this way but I kept ignoring it while busying myself with siblings. I guess being alone with parents made me feel their loneliness but instead of sharing it , it made me feel like them. Still, they had their home . I did not.

A dear and very much special friend commented on the status :

Home has always been where your heart is. In other news, welcome to grown up world dear. You are ready to make your own home.

And that set me thinking a bit more. To some extent , I felt at home in the house I live in right now with my bestie.  From long there was parent’s home and “my” home. But now I don’t feel I have any home. Yes , for once I feel lost. If that’s a beginning of growing up , I guess the journey has begun.

I need a corner of my own , surrounded by my books and music , my choice of wallpapers and feel of the cold floor beneath my feet. I am finally ready to support and provide to others, the anchor I need. I am prepared to step out and claim my mark on some space.

I have to go.
Go and create or search my home.
Just my space of love.

PS : growing up can be so lonely and confusing. even when you got someone to hold and look upto for love.

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Poetry lovers , please check my e book on amazon here. Let me know if you need help with kindle installation or download of the book.

Karma

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IMG-20120927-WA000Few months back , I asked myself the question , why I am good [ Assuming I am a good human being]. This was following a discussion with a friend about people being good till they have no opportunity to be otherwise. A true check of one’s character is how he/she behaves when presented the opportunity to be mean and also get away with it.

And after much thought, I realized that my reasons for being the way I am is belief in my Karma.

Karma for me is the principle that governs my actions and my life.

Said In simpler terms , Karma is the cause and effect way of living. It states that the effects ( rewards / punishments ) of every action of yours would be decided and passed on to you in this very lifetime. No deed of yours goes unreported and is tracked till the right moment. There be delay in the judgement , but be assured , it will happen. And to add more to the effect , the punishments are handed down in cumulative manner for all the sins in past.

And this , scares me. One can say I am good from the fear of punishment. I used to feel embarrassed about it before. But not today. I am good and whatever keeps me this way – karma , God’s words , my moral codes , my mother’s teachings .. anything that keep the happy glow in my life’s light , I am thankful for it. There is nothing wrong to admit that you fear god’s wrath. I do. And like a kid scared of the strict teacher , I am willing to be cautious forever as to not make mistake.

May my Karma keep me blessed.

Hope you all find the light for your life and keep it shining :)

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& Alphabe Thursday – K 

Into another Jan,we step

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Another Jan.
Another year begins.
Another set of goals.
Another sky full of dreams – mine for myself , of loved ones from me , mine for the loved ones.
Another glance back at the paths left behind – some traveled some not.
Another look around at the smiling faces that step into this unknown journey with me – wondering how many will still be there next jan.
Another thankful nod to them and a warm welcome to the new friends.
Another empty notebook on the desk of life.

And I write ….

Watching both ahead and back,
here and there,
around and within,
inside out of my heart
outside held in my palms,
setting a new goal for me
painting a picture of happier me.
asking myself if am alone
finding a hand to securely hold on.
knowing for once,life is good,
keeping faith in music and books.
loving him ,sometimes less that more,
loving self, more than most.

Written for OSI , Month of the year challenge – January

Realizations

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Realizations can happen any time , any place about anyone – provided you do not ignore them.

And when they reveal things about you, it can get a little too much sometimes.

The last month has been little stressful for me even when there been moments of great joy too. But all the talking , thinking and worrying at times did leave its mark.

While I can not and do not want to re think over those lines, here’s something I did realize -

Between you and me

I am not always in sync
With the little voice in head
I do not usually deny
It says stuff I leave unsaid.

I recognize the voice as ‘she’
the kind of spirit I am not
And she has a lot to tell me
Whether asked or not to poke.

These days she been telling
I have lost a grip on things
My head is such a mess
No logic, just all feelings.

I am scared of days to come,
And of failing people who care,
I need reassurance now and then
Am not walking alone here.

I demand a lot sometimes,
She keeps sending the warning,
But to question,if am wrong,
to that, she won’t be answering.

I feel so lost, so worthless,
I don’t know what to say or write,
Between you and me, I told her
I think we both are wrong and right.

Help me, I whispered to her,
And she filled my eyes with tears
Let it flow my dear she said,
Selfless love alone can free your fear.

~ Nimue

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Written for Month of year challenge : Nov , Sunday Scribblings , Open Link night

Love , A story & About it

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It was here that she realized she was in love with him.
It was mostly empty during the week; unless you count the the green grassy plots and fresh flowers keeping an eye on her.
He had looked handsome that day in the coffin.
The cemetery became her home since.

Written for Theme Thursday & for G-Man’s Friday flash 55


Last week I wrote this as a comment on some one’s blog and I think it was misinterpreted as me mocking the author. I find that amusing ’cause my thought process was all intent to explain loneliness of a human. We all need some one to talk to / write to . Just to let our stories be heard. to be known for the words and thoughts. And when you have no one to share those words with , it gets really haunting and lonely place to be.

Ye kaunsi kahani hai ki yaha likh bhi main raha hoon,Aur padhane wala bhi koi aur nahi hai..


(Translation :)


What is this story
I script,
and I alone would read it.



What did you understand for the lines ?

Let me know your views.

Travel time and random observations

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At times , we notice things which stay in our memories. Somethings we notice daily without fail or make a habit of noticing every time we pass through same place or meet same person. Maybe useless observations to most people , but still so much fun to you. That is a part of awareness of brain and interaction of different senses at that particular time. More like a context. Like a particular smell will ALWAYS remind you of some one, or a song is associated to some person. Such memory mappings are usually random when they first happen and later we do it consciously. Like I always search for a particular building when I travel from my place to nearest market. I just know when I will cross it and I try to locate if some one has started living there or not.

Now days all around you, we find people busy with themselves – on call , listening to music on earphones , reading, working offline , or sleeping at times. The sleeping ones and the reading ones are excused but for the rest , I feel they are losing so much in the time they are being so busy. Travelling should be treated as a break from every one and everything around. Being occupied all times dulls the senses. Travelling with open mind and senses aware , can be so relaxing and refreshing. One should at times just enjoy the feeling of journey – Each pause and acceleration.

Feel the flow of the vehicle you are in; or the rhythm of your steps as you walk – ’cause that’s how life is best enjoyed. In those few moments we are on our own , and can afford to switch off the world in our hearts.

Independence day !

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For the first time , I do not want to type in bold "Happy Independence Day" or smile about all that this nation of mine has to offer me. Not that it has done less for the citizens. It has provided us with a lot of meaningful resources and opportunities too. But what have we given it back ? What have I as a citizen done for the nation ? or even the part I live ?

Till I have a proud answer to that , I just wish each year adds glories to my country and not shame as i have seen in the last years ..

Bless you Inida(ns)

Be Smart, Stay Safe

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Reblogged from JUSTICE FOR WOMEN:

Some self-defense tips and ideas suggested by Delhi girls, Nimue and Bindya Malhotra:

Never going out alone is NOT an option for any one. Specially in these days when most of us work outside home town and live alone. But going safe always is. And here are few things one should keep in mind :

  • Always inform some one where you are going and the time you would be back.

Read more… 529 more words

Just a reminder to all of us .. Stay careful , stay safe ! Please do pass it on ..

Think and speak

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"there is another person,
deep inside our hearts;
who doesnt’t let us stick
to our designed parts."
you said this as we talked
and there my thoughts halt;
so this is the person
whose words we first hear
and with most loved ones
we chose to defensively differ ?
do we feed too much ego
to this little voice in heart
and not use our head
that points to a better start ?
As if you read my mind,
you smile and hold me close
your little devil doesn’t speak
I know you keep it in control.
I laugh and imagine the opposite
how I could have hurt others
or even myself intentionally
if I never thought before I speak.

wave theory. .

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today i wanted to be a wave. The one passing through loved souls, leaving colors behind. And now i wonder if those colors take something away from me or the soul ? Will the wave havd a mind or heart ? Both ? Or none ? Where will the search of home lead this wave ? Will it ever rest or like me stay active at odd hours feeding on darkness within my heart. Where do waves rest ? Or souls like mine ? Do they just stop feeling, lose colors, fade ? Will i . . Well lets leave some questions unsaid. .

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Linked to Sunday Scribblings – Search

Loving & Loved

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There are some days when you feel loved. And some when you love. It is not being in love. but just having some one to love still. From the first crush till today , I can almost name some person with whom I “thought” I was in love. Maybe I really was. But those days are past. Those reasons and emotions are past. Today I love people for making me feel good. It’s not about praising me always but more like, appreciating the good I have and forgiving me for the bad. For making me change myself and not just dictating the rules like rest of the world. Gender or age does not bother me these days. I just love the person for the heart and mind that walk with him/her.And to think of the fact that I found feelings like these to be weird at one time. Call it maturity or jsut craziness, making some one smile and smile with him/her can sure make your day a blessing !

Only if I could put words to such feelings in a way not to offend/scare the people concerned ;)
But maybe these unexpressed thoughts are what add to the enigma of loving and being loved.

Rise in Love. And stay in love. Accept being loved.

(This post was inspired by a twitter conversation with @ScribblingOn )

 
JourneyTowardsEpiphany

Answer to my calls

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Some S.O.S calls are bizarre just for the fact that you never made them. some times you stand at a point in life, like at an empty booth and pretend to make a call to random stranger. You tap on the smudgy side glass to check if some one noticed you and feel both good and not. Good that no one would call you a fool and sad that the hopes to get some one to talk would be lost. Ghosts of your restless wishes seep through your sub-consciousness and without realization you make a call to God.

I might have made one such call, when I met him. silent and reserved, he was unlike any friend I ever had. Attentive and sensitive were some of the other words I would later describe him. A smile to fall in love with and words to die for. A friend I dare say I did not deserve , some one I never expected to come across even.

When you meet friends, we talk , and talk more and talk till we depart. We share stuff , we hide some, we smile more and cry so less. I had always known such friends. And they are one of the best. But little did I know even silence had a way among friends.

Nestled between insane talks and crazy stories , silence like shadows lined the street we walked. For fun, we faced the scorching heat of summers and challenged each other to slide on the ice grounds in our make-believe world. But often found ourselves staring curiously at the world and shrugging it off with carefree laughter.

Once some one commented on having a friend with whom she doesn’t have to always talk. I found it amusing as well as a challenge to be such a person. Today I realize i have found that friend in him. I never have to worry what next to say to him, what next to expect to hear. Never am I in a hurry to tell him my stories neither does he hurries his narration. We remain silent and engaged in our own task, without a care. This non-compulsion to speak is something I value the most with him. nothing I say around him or do, makes me feel odd or even him I suppose. This is indeed a new experience and one I will cherish forever.

thank you god for such a wonderful friend.

thank you dear friend, for making of such valuable memories.

 

I gather my thoughts #smallStone #aros (day 5,6,7,8)

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your lips on my head ~
bond of love i wanted ~
bond of care i cherish

Pages will turn tonight
your memories will burn in peace
I forgive the hurt

the flowers bought
but delivered not
still smell of her

Brilliance of dreams
shine in her sleepy eyes today;
she was in his arms

 

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Also linked to G-Man’s Friday flash55

Where I wish to live

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Some one asked me to imagine being on a star and be able to see all and everything in the universe. Not the inhabitants, but everything else. No one asks such questions these days, not since some one last asked me, where would i want to visit in my dreams. So I was out of practice when this question was asked. I replied, I want a sparkling neat and calm river, trees of coolest shades, grass of softest green and flowers of all shades, and ofcourse night time to last always. Darkness studded with golden lights and filled with air that shimmers as I move. A lovely corner set up with books and chairs for myself to spend my time.

And I deliberately skipped having a small lake with rocks beside it. I thought of having not to live alone but with some one who loved me, but did not say. I wanted to have a kitchen to myself and all fresh vegetables to cook each night, but I knew I would not like that alone. I wanted to have a velvet bedspread to lie down next to you and make images from the stars. I would love to have a glass dining table with just two chairs. I want pen and papers abound to scribble such fairy tales together and leave them for the winds to carry to far off places. I did not say all these, for I was scared to want more than I deserved. Even in my dreams.

Dreaming all that felt so normal. More than I knew. Maybe it was ’cause you only asked me this question, Something normal people do not !

clock of Life (#random #thought)

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covertly life leads

on similar paths frequently

to judge our learning 

 

The clock of life is wound but once; And yet assuming each of us as one of the hands of this clock, we make different number of rounds. Some never repeat the days or even moments of mistake, while others like me keep on passing through same point again and again. Same feelings , same pain , at a different palce , different time or maybe a different person too. while same things make us happy often , the reasons for being restless and blue are also fixed. Letting go is not a choice. Living together is no option. Simple isn’t it ;) ??

 

 

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Haiku for haiku heights

Prose for Carr on tuesday

anther thought ..

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you drive me insane; actually you have managed to do this years back. now.. well now you just paint it a shade darker and damp.. dark enough to hit me hard and damp with the pain, i carry for days. it creeps me like some worm infested fruit that am forced to eat. no wonder it leaves a bad puking taste in the mouth. even the friendly consolations that its all in my head and not real, does not change the fact that it makes me inhuman. always like that to others trying to be close to me. will it drive you away is not a fear i live with , but a nightmare i wake up from each night…

Tired.. maybe !

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TIRED ! really ? even when one has not even begun ?? Well, that’s me I suppose ! Life is going to throw some expected turns and twists at me – when and how remain unknown .. I am going to be thrown in a battle of experience with heart , intuition with logic , self with else , me with ..

The fight is going to be for me , for my life and I can not even imagine how good or bad it turns out to be for me. So even when I have to begin the preparation for the approaching storm, deep within I hope and pray that things get sorted on its own ; that I be placed in a position to make my choice and not compromise. And it all boils down to me working on that goal !

I think I will succeed !

I hope I am settled with peace ;

I know it is all for good !

PS : I am not sure what and why  I wrote this ..

I love Words -

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Starting in July 1st week, Blaga started the Season’s favorite challenge. Something which i so badly wanted to do but the lack of enough ideas discouraged me. Lets just say, I was not in the correct frame. At the end of this challenge, the participants wrote a post on All time favorite. I wrote this poem, dedicated to this lovely lady ! and her awesomely amazing blog :

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a stolen glance – across the summer fields,
a shy kiss – in the darkest bend of road
out together on a long summer drive;
a warm hug – in the coldest hours
as snow wraps your place,you wrap love;


as rains hit the window pane – hot tea
with spicy snacks fried by mother;

the retorts ,the scoldings, fights in a day;
the barren look like the autumn tree -
as yellow carpets cover the dull roads;


or the time when you think of the flowers -
that covered the trees,lined the roads,
and added romance to your evenings at times;


whether alone, with lover or family of friends,
wether silent, talking or singing to self,
in whatever way, you chose to express,


words link you to the moment and feelings,
to people known and from far off lands -
they hold the world and rule it so,
they love you as much, as you hold them close !

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