Category Archives: Myself

Of new roles and tasks

by

Life has suddenly changed this week.
Since Monday 11 AM to be exact.

I suddenly realized i have a lot to learn and make it a habit of doing when it comes to being a daughter-in-law , a wife , a home maker in the future. Till now , I did not completely understand how much thought and care this transition would involve. I used to think to myself, one can not predict the situations until you step into that new life but I guess it is necessary to make a note of the areas you need to work upon. In India , Marriage they say , is a union of not two people but two families. And I willingly agree to the statement now. In my husband’s home , every action of mine is not just a representation of me but my family’s culture and values. I never wished to stay in a nuclear set up after wedding. I used to dream of having the guy’s family to live with me and be a part of that family. Simply said , I love to have people around – to celebrate every small happiness , to care for each other , to support in times of distress and to spread smiles to each other. But like all fingers are not same in a hand , every one has their good and bad. Before you expect them to accept you the way you are , is it not wise to make it easier for them to accept you in their folds and seamlessly become a part of their daily life.

Keeping these thoughts in mind , I am trying to cook more and cook better . The first goal is not to call mom or refer to recipe for a usual meal. I am cleaning my room alternate days , folding clothes and keeping them stacked well in the almirah , making sure I keep my things at a proper place. In short , I feel I am trying to act like my mother ;) And it is not easy. I call up mom and ask how does she remember to do all this , how does she keep the whole house so organized while I get tired after managing my single room.

Exhausted or not , I am sure feeling more proud. More confident and sure about myself being able to handle any new role and responsibilities well.

Life has changed , but for better days.

 

==

 

This is for Imperfect Prose and for Emily whose posts make me pause and think about the blessings in my life.

A visit to oxford book store

by

Books have always been my biggest addiction. For me , the words books and addiction are almost same. Then ofcourse , cones writing / blogging.the moment i read today’s topic of week long prompted blogging , i knew it would be about books. And what better than a visit to bookstore with lover boy and best friend !!

Oxford book store has opened again after over an year in delhi. And this time the cha bar is much more awesome. Check the pics :

image

 

The awesome reading area :

image

 

And this ladder was so much amusing :D

image

 

not to forget the chai and the snacks @ cha bar

image

It goes without saying that i bought another book. Plus the awesome conversations with my besties !! A day well spent.

Delhi people and delhi guests , do not miss this.

Obe of my addictions include chai too. And i must mention that having chai with friends while you sit in the lodhi garden was an icing in cake for today.

Loved every bit of this post

Disaster

by

As much as I try hard to think , I can’t think of any disaster sort of situation in my life. blame it on my forgetful nature or the fact that I don’t let any event ‘s feelings clog my memories and moods for long. But if there can be any day that I can disastrous , it be the only day at my job when I got scolded really bad by my PM.  I can not recall the details but all I know is that I acted lazy and careless that week and so by Thursday , my module was much delayed. Friday was declared a sudden holiday so the panic set in by lunch. It was a miracle sort that the task was finished with help from PM and another senior team mate. I had never been so embarrassed in my life before that. and I have made sure the record stays so.

This reminds me of disaster management session we had in our office last month. It was related to natural or the locally created disaster situations and how people should respond to it w.r.t work. Later that night , I thought about how thinking clear , being pro active , being independent , asking for timely help , re-evaluating our actions and having a backup plan ready is so damn important. All this seems to take a lot of time but it eventually saves a lot of time and effort.

Do you have yourself covered for disasters ?

 

 

I Like Mondays

by

while the whole world vouches for Monday blues , For reasons unknown , I like Mondays. Starting Wednesday night , I start waiting and planning for the weekend but Every Monday night , when whole world on the social media is complaining for end of weekend , I do not understand or relate to the sentiment even remotely.

Mondays are like a new beginning . 5 more days to work hard and make your dream come true. The weekends are to rest and plan ahead but Mondays are the days when you begin a new chapter. And I believe that all beginnings should have a happy note. So I thank god for another wonderful weekend , and ask for strength and blessings for the coming week.

And this is something i found in google images. Totally cool thought !

Monday

And then there are Mondays I LOVE. The ones when I go to see lover by for breakfast ( in case we do not meet over weekend ) , those are the super awesome Mondays !

:D

==

Linked to

Imperfect Prose

Some times in Love …

by

Some times Love alone is not enough to answer all your doubts.

Sometimes Love alone is the cause of all your doubts.

Some times people are the real influence on your decision.

Some times people are the excuses for your decision.

Some times your heart wants to take risks and live each day head on.

Some times your heart just wants to escape all worries and move on.

Some times the only support is not from people you know

Some times the opposition is not from people but of your own.

Some times Love loses these battles ..

Some times Love wins the war of hearts later on …

Here’s to Love that never loses. and to Lovers that always stay close.

Cheers !

zzzzzzzzz

by

The blog is sleeping.
And yes , I am to be blamed for that. Suddenly so much is happening in my life that I have no head or heart in writing anything. This is a short post to say hello to anyone who still drops by. A thank you to friends whom I know are wondering where I am hiding , and a promise that I would be back (soon I hope).

Be good. Keep writing and I promise I would read you all sooner than I start blogging again.

Wake up

by

Dreams , maybe not
Of your fingers on me
Smiles on you

Messages of morning
Of love , longing and care
Of rosy reality

Wishes like prayer
Whispered to pillow so soft
Like your heart.

Finally the call
Out of dream to real
You are mine.

This is collum lune. Inspired by sunday mini challenge at imaginary toads. Also linked to sunday scribblings.

A to Z challenge : I am “scared”

by

There always were things
I did not know,
about myself,about you;
there always would be stuff
that would remain unsaid
and so unknown to me and you.
This unknown did not matter
till last night,when less was said
and many questions it left;
where we stand,where we flow
its a hard decision,we know
hold on to me,as we face the storm.
It will not help,to turn away
it might be the best,to hold our place
yet it scares me,the bonds we break;
the words we leave behind,
the world we plan to create
are we too early , or too late ?

A to Z challenge : Fasting

by

This is the season for navratri in India – the nine auspicious nights dedicated to worshiping goddess Durga in her many ( 108 being exact) forms. These days are also synonymous for Fasting. Most people keep 2 fasts atleast while many go for 7-8 days of fasting. Of course , last day is for feasting :D

Last time I had made halwa to celebrate the feasting ceremony ;)

I have never been a big fan of fasting unless I read this article on it benefits. suddenly the talks of my mother on this issue made a bit more sense to me. And yet , I do not keep the religious fasts, not unless my mother asks me to. Instead I try to cut down food intake and replace it with fruits and fluids once every week. Basically , I realized that we have to cut out the excess from our life and do it again and again to maintain a healthy system. Be it food , shopping , art or even studies ; We all need break from our routine and this break should be enjoyed and welcomed with good spirits.

I go on a “no book shopping fast” twice a year . It is always so tough to keep filling my wish list and wait for the day when I begin buying all these books. but i realized , the wait is too rewarding. Not just I can get few books as gifts from my guy , but the wait makes my shopping all the more pleasurable.

What do you think you need fasting from ?

A to Z challenge : Monsters in my Life

by

We all have our own version / definition of monsters at different age. Its like giving a different face to our fears as we grow up. So I thought of few faces I can associate to this feeling ( based on my age )

4 : I don’t recall why I had this image fixed in my head that the top floor of my grandmother’s home had a sand man living there. Who always wanted to eat me. My mom says it was one of my nightmare that I told her about and frankly that particular spot gave me creeps till I left the house

10 : There was a robbery in my area and for a month. That time I used to be so scared of any one  who roamed the streets in dark. The watchman’s “jaagte raho” really kept me awake :D

15 : One day I saw a 18 year old guy touch a 10 year old girl in an inappropriate way. I can not forget the look of confusion and fear on the girl’s face. Even though I was standing far away, I felt disgusted and afraid at same time. That was the first time I came to recognize why my mother always told me to be safe. That guy was the first real monster I came across.

25 : I was a victim of online stalking and defamation. I had never felt so insecure and vulnerable. I saw strangers asking me not to visit their blogs ’cause some one would follow my steps and say mean things about me on their page. I quit blogging and closed all my accounts for an year. That email id ( the only identity of my stalker) was my nightmare and monster equivalent for  along long time [ I still live in those fears I admit ]

On and off I have come across stories that would make me sad , scared and depressed at state and moods of people. Few of them so much deserve to be branded monsters. I pray for people who have to bear and deal with such creatures !

Inspired by the theme at

A to Z challenge : Excuses

by

Excuses are as varied as the cause or reason for which we invent them. But the worst ones are those , the heart invents for the mind. Not that mind is always right . but sometimes we know we are lying to our-self.   Last 3 days I have “excused” myself from some important things and I am not proud to that  -

  • I did not go to gym / or even for an evening walk which I so much love.
  • I did not write anything for 3 days, creating a backlog for blogging and same for reading blogs too. Not to add , that delaying my own therapy in times of over thinking.
  • I was irritated with something and I acted rude with my brother.
  • I did not pray or thank god for all the smiles he adds to my life every day.

I can list out the excuses / genuine reasons here for all these but the fact that I know I wasn’t right , doesn’t let me dwell on that. Instead I have to now fix all these. And find a way out before I make a pattern to excuse myself out of my duties and responsibilities.

Here’s to a happier and better week ahead. To heal , to read , to write , to smile , to love and be worthy of being loved.

Stay happy and blessed.

Missing home and mom

by

I fell sick yesterday ( again ). I actually fall sick pretty often sadly :(

So yesterday’s sickness , I blame on the evening trips to nearby dhaba to have bread pakoda , the Saturday evening sandwich ( the veggies dint taste that good i admit ) and last to the Sunday morning sub ( that definitely tasted stale ).

Yes , the food and the changing weather with the ability to spoil food soon has finally hit me once again :|  *sulks*

The final result : I had a severe migraine , a mild fever ( which is still there as I type this ) , bodyache ( the back still hurts )  and an upset stomach ( I am yet to decide about its status)

and now comes the saddest part of being unwell : Being alone.

Roomie is home and I have no friends to call for the night *sulks a little more*

such are the times when I wish I was home. I have always been a sick gal since I left home. I have at times told myself that maybe my sickness is as physical as emotional. Or maybe psychological [ i forgot the exact term for that ].

The days I miss mom a bit too much or the days when I am low and I really need people around , I somehow fall sick. and as much as I try , I have to skip office , which further adds to me woes. People would think I am used to stay alone but the truth is , day after day , I am getting less capable of being alone. about 6 years after leaving home , I now crave more for a home.

And tonight again, I miss mom. The 4 calls to her during the day are not enough for me to be consoled and she knows it.

So, before I made another call to her and cry my heart out [ yes I am still a baby when it comes to be sick. I cry ] , I decided to write this to let that moment pass.

So, no more call to mom. no more being upset, just take my meds and be a good girl for a while.

Hope your weekend and Monday was better !

 

 

Finding home.

by

This is a different world. This is a different life. I like it but I can’t get used to it. Meaning of home has changed. And how.

This is a facebook status I put this weekend. This weekend was the same that I spent with my parents. After almost 2 – 3 months I spent more than 1 night at home. And even though I loved being there – being lazy , being silent , cooking for mom and dad , meeting best friend in town , sleeping , reading and watching one movie each day of the weekend [ yes , it was this awesomely perfect] ; a part of me felt uneasy.

It was like I was a guest in that home. I knew the people living there , but not the space they occupied. It was like I once was in the frame but now have slipped out of it and looking at the empty picture with unease.

When did I begin to feel restless at my own home ? Was it always this way but I kept ignoring it while busying myself with siblings. I guess being alone with parents made me feel their loneliness but instead of sharing it , it made me feel like them. Still, they had their home . I did not.

A dear and very much special friend commented on the status :

Home has always been where your heart is. In other news, welcome to grown up world dear. You are ready to make your own home.

And that set me thinking a bit more. To some extent , I felt at home in the house I live in right now with my bestie.  From long there was parent’s home and “my” home. But now I don’t feel I have any home. Yes , for once I feel lost. If that’s a beginning of growing up , I guess the journey has begun.

I need a corner of my own , surrounded by my books and music , my choice of wallpapers and feel of the cold floor beneath my feet. I am finally ready to support and provide to others, the anchor I need. I am prepared to step out and claim my mark on some space.

I have to go.
Go and create or search my home.
Just my space of love.

PS : growing up can be so lonely and confusing. even when you got someone to hold and look upto for love.

==

Poetry lovers , please check my e book on amazon here. Let me know if you need help with kindle installation or download of the book.

Awarded

by

and so many questions to answer :P

Leo & Reshma blessed my blogs [ Reshma reads my blogger page and Leo reads this wordpress one ] with this lovely award.

Rules :

  • Post 11 things about yourself
  • Answer 11 questions set by the nominator
  • Choose 11 deserving bloggers meeting the criteria
  • Set 11 questions for them.
  • Inform the nominee by commenting on one of their posts.

Usually I do not accept awards [ I am lazy to write a whole post about myself ] but recently I have some new blogs for you all to check. And so bear with me dearies ..

ME ( though I doubt my regular readers will find anything new here )

1. I am not comfortable writing prose ( fiction / non fiction ). I either wander from track or end up writing all poetry like sentences.

2. I love south-indian food more than north indian when given an option outside home.

3. I do not like changes in plans. If i make some plan , I want it to be followed strictly. Last moment changes irk me.

4. Lack of sleep and hunger made me a complete monster :P yes , I am the last person you would mess up with when I am sleepy or hungry.

5. I can not concentrate on anything if once I think of writing. When in that thought zone , I do not welcome any distraction.

6. I love questions. More so , the ones that make me think. Unless too personal , I like people who keep discussing different thoughts , beleif , ideas etc. I even ask a lot of questions from people I love most. Its the easiest way for me to know about a person.

7. I owe my reading habits to my mother. Most of my thoughts and experiences have her influence. One can say , we are more alike than siblings.

8. I love short poetry forms. I am too lazy to read long ones. I don’t even write long ones unless in rare moods.

9. Friends mean a hell lot to me than any relative. Many of them are my extended family sort.

10. there are times when I suddenly grow restless. I realize I can not spend consecutive 2 weekends at home without going out somewhere.

11. I fear a lot of things – losing my loved ones to unnatural causes is the biggest one.

And now the questions which I will be answering both Leo & Reshma’s questions in next post.

but , here are the 11 people I would pass the award :

Kz ( amazing story teller and lovely haiku creator)  ,

WabiSabi ( of wise and deep lines ) ,

Bjorn ( for amazingly real and innovative thoughts ) ,

Magical Mystical Teacher ( haiku , photos and more haiku)  ,

Divya (story teller ) ,

Lynn (queen of heart breaking lines and flowing words ),

Kristjaan Panneman (Haiku Master ) ,

Ermilia ( for picture prompt , the story and the books she talks about ) ,

Carol ( photographs , creative haiku art and lots of other verses ),

A Lot of pages ( my book review page ),

and Lastly Ibeingme ( he is the best muse , inspiration , critic and the best poet i know )

And  oh , I have only one ( or two ) questions for you to answer -

  • what is your favorite post from your blog ?
  • what is your biggest fear ? 

Share with the world  the award and pass it  on if you have new blogs to recco !

Plus , you CAN ask any question ( not more than 11 please :P )  to the bloggers you mention ;)

My dreams

by

My dreams lately have me seeing a lot of people from past. Some who have been mentioned in recent days and many who I don’t think i ever remembered after parting ways with. The dreams are kind of happy , even if not , atleast they are not sad or mysterious. Talking of mysterious dreams , I guess the weirdest one was to be invited to have a drink with my dad :D [ I still want to see how he or my mom would react to that ]

For years I have believed that dreams are answer to your subconscious thoughts. They might be something you badly want or just an image of what the future can hold for you. Sometimes they remind us of people we do not want to think about but we should. the college friends ( and the not-friends) I saw last week , the friends from present I saw today morning , they all had a reason to be there , even if i don’t know it now.

And the nightmares too. They show us whom we trust and turn to in real life crisis. I remember for a long time , I always saw my mom in my nightmares – in pain with me , protecting me and looking out for me. Then one night an year back, I had a real bad one and I saw him holding out his hand to me. I held that in dream and when I woke up , something inside me wanted that hand in real too. I always took it as a sign of accepting my feelings for him. And thank god I did.

 

So what do you think of your dreams ??

I write , I always want to

by

you ask why I write ,
and I admit ,
I am tempted to tell you,
maybe not the truth
’cause I know not today
what truth you will prefer
There ws a challenge,
when I began year back;
then came the need to impress
to spread my wings and test;
to cry , smile , scream and break
into peices over soft grass
or shredded glass in cold nights,
I wrote with abundance,
with pride over my new friends
and with fear one year -
the same year that I was robbed,
left naked to bleed and cry
while some one erased words
from dreams and real life alike.
Why I still wrote, my friends asked
and I have no answer except
writing a few bits more in secret.
Never did I know, I wrote
’cause there was someone out there
who waited to read me,
to match his silence with my lines,
to sing the words I left behind,
to read my words,
read me,
write to me,
write me ..
Write …
I write for him,
I wrote to seek him,
I write of his love
I wrote dreams of him
I write
I always will,
I want to ..

 

 

==

 

This is a non stop writing that happened after reading this post and the comments below.

thank you dVerse Poets ! you always make me write some amazing stuff ;)

Dealing with people and other thoughts.

by

Last week was a bit disappointing in terms of people. there were too many instances when I was hurt or upset with friends.

I thought I would write about them , I would vent my frustration/anger about how people behave nowadays but now I am not so sure.

Writing about them is not going to help them or make me feel good about it. but what I am really concerned about is people forgetting how to be nice to others, how to trust others.

Some one questioned me for charging her 30 rps extra for some tickets. I would not have minded that as much the fact she actually paid me whatever she thought was the correct price. what will I benefit from that ??

Another friend keeps asking me to make plans to meet but every time I call her , she has a reason not to come. Moreover she will not answer calls / msgs some days but I can see her active on social sites. I am tired of  making plans for others and waiting for them

A very old friend of mine thinks I am living life all wrong ’cause I do not have any exciting stories to tell him. I do not write all that comes to my mind , I do not go places , I do not tire myself with catching up with N number of people or attend every single event in the city [ Actually I do try for most of the book events ]. why can not people accept change in others ? Do I have to justify my living to all now ?

I do not understand such people. I do not understand many people off-late  I can not react offensively , I can not forget such incidents either. I do not feel like validating myself to others or to tell others if they are right or not. I only wish and feel to pray. Yes, I did not think I would say this, but I really Pray for all these people. I pray first for myself so I can keep my patience. I pray for these people to have peace in their life. I pray for random people who are so critical or negative always for the world.

I pray for Love.
I pray to be with my lover.
[ some friends think that being in a happy relationship has made me so much wise and forgiving. And I agree to this observation.]
I offer my love to god as random wishes whispered in the dark folds of night , as a lonely tear that rolls down my cheeks sometimes as I let go of another demon of my past , as the warm hug to my guy in appreciation of all smiles he has added to my life.
I thank you, Love you , adore you my God !
you are my savior. And I will forever pray for your blessings.

==

Karma

by

IMG-20120927-WA000Few months back , I asked myself the question , why I am good [ Assuming I am a good human being]. This was following a discussion with a friend about people being good till they have no opportunity to be otherwise. A true check of one’s character is how he/she behaves when presented the opportunity to be mean and also get away with it.

And after much thought, I realized that my reasons for being the way I am is belief in my Karma.

Karma for me is the principle that governs my actions and my life.

Said In simpler terms , Karma is the cause and effect way of living. It states that the effects ( rewards / punishments ) of every action of yours would be decided and passed on to you in this very lifetime. No deed of yours goes unreported and is tracked till the right moment. There be delay in the judgement , but be assured , it will happen. And to add more to the effect , the punishments are handed down in cumulative manner for all the sins in past.

And this , scares me. One can say I am good from the fear of punishment. I used to feel embarrassed about it before. But not today. I am good and whatever keeps me this way – karma , God’s words , my moral codes , my mother’s teachings .. anything that keep the happy glow in my life’s light , I am thankful for it. There is nothing wrong to admit that you fear god’s wrath. I do. And like a kid scared of the strict teacher , I am willing to be cautious forever as to not make mistake.

May my Karma keep me blessed.

Hope you all find the light for your life and keep it shining :)

==


& Alphabe Thursday – K 

Time for self : ME time !

by

Me time. Like the one I have taken out now to write this post ?

Or the time I find to read other posts that would be written about this theme in hope to learn a bit from other wise ladies ( and men if they wrote).

Often I think Me time is just an illusion. but its a beautifully satisfying illusion I admit :D

How you take out time mostly depends on what you like to do, since each activity/hobby has a place and time. you would not imagine cooking in middle of night,will you ? Well I can not since I have an open kitchen where you can not stand in winter nights for more than making a cup of tea for yourself !

I do not like days I miss on reading and writing. While reading a book regularly looks like a lot of effort , it is not. I spend 15 min travel time in reading and 20-30 minutes before I sleep on the book. Also, the days my cab is late ( which happens 2 times a week for sure) , you will always find me reading.

Also the time I travel on weekends in the metro , I prefer to keep my phone inside bag and rather read the 30-40 min I got.

While writing takes much more time and you have to sit on the laptop with a concentration of atleast half hour , I try to write bits and pieces of prose articles ( and even poetry) in phone notes / email drafts whenever the thought strikes. Early morning ( my morning is 11 am though ), with  a cup of tea in hand , I sit to assemble these thoughts into something meaningful. If not , then I do it from office since I get a bit free time to read and write in middle of other tasks.

Writing also involves reading others – to be inspired , to learn , to be amused and entertained , to share and to expand your horizons. This reading can be done on phone while you travel or better if you own a tab. you can save the pages once online and read them later. I try to spend 2-3 hours each weekend on reading various articles. Most articles get delivered to my inbox making it easier for me to read from my phone.

Another activity I enjoy is to walk. To notice things and people around. Most days , I follow the walk-n-talk advice of idea :D  All my calls to my mother are done while I am walking to and fro the market or in park , or going to metro station ( which happens to be a walk of 20+ min each time ).

 

Latest and the last hobby for me is cooking. I pack my dinner almost daily and I try to prepare it on my own. But i do not get to try new dishes on weekdays since I am in a hurry to get ready and cook at same time. Hence the weekends I go home, I spend in kitchen. My mom loves it ’cause she can be free of kitchen duty for 2 days and I get the kitchen to myself to try all new dishes I want. win win situation ! Next week, I try the same dish at my place :)

 

So that’s My time and how I spend it.

And hope that I keep finding time like this after I am married and have extra responsibilities too.

Ten P’s of my Life

by

I am voluntarily taking up this tag from Pinksocks blog

Idea is to  do the similar list with the first alphabet of your name.

why P ?

’cause my real name starts with P  :D

 

1. Pari (fairy) : one of my old nickname which I admit I kinda liked ! alas, only 2 people call me by this name and I haven’t talked to both of them in ages !

2. Poetry : something that is my identity most times. I live , love , eat and breathe poetry. I write the same ;)

3. Paranormal : One of my fav genre to watch on TV these days and even to read ( you can throw it under fantasy fiction too ) but yeah , most loved TV series – Fringe , supernatural , Warehouse 13 , the Mentalist etc etc will fall in this category.

4. Project : A recent addition to my terminology outside work. Basically , I have taken up a few deliberate goals for the year – Project 52 to blog , Project Know delhi , Project 50 new dishes in 2013 , reading challenges. Ok, I think I have taken too many projects :P

5. Photography : something I always avoided being a part of. I mean being in front of camera. now I am total opposite. I also need to learn a bit of photography so i can use my camera well even when alone.

6. Postponing : I am the master of doing that with my chores. Except reading a novel or cooking , I postpone anything and everything by atleast 10-15 min out of laziness and for days even if its a personal task.

7. Pasta : Food that i love most. I might not have it often when I go out, but given an option , I will chose it over any other dish.

8. Purple : color I love most. all and any shades. That reminds me , I have to buy a purple bag this summer.

9. Possessive : I am. totally. My guy knows it but ignores most times  ( he knows he doesn’t give me any reason as such) , but trust me to act possessive at times just for fun. Basically, I don’t like some one taking my place. anywhere. anytime.

10. Past : something I can not forget or leave behind. Its a shadow I walk with even in the night. My past defines me. and I am not willing to let it free as yet.